The Shell of Motherhood

Before I was a mother, I was very sure of who I was. At the time, I was 28, carefree (but who could see it at the time), loving my job as a physiotherapist, my friends,  my downtown Toronto living life, going out with friends for fancy dinners and wine, and hanging out with my husband on the evenings and weekends when he was off. I knew exactly who I was and exactly where I wanted to be in life.

Like most people in this ‘predicament’ (the predicament of having it all!) I decided to start a family.

Being a mother meant that I was going to be ALL THAT I WAS BEFORE only  I WOULD BE MORE because I would be a mother as well. I always knew deep down that I wanted to be a mom. I loved kids, loved being around them, and knew deep down that this was meant to be. I also had a wonderful husband, and knew he wanted a family as well. Of course having a family was scary; all big changes are, but this was something that would be rough for a few weeks but we’d find the swing of things soon enough.

Everyone tells you that when the baby is born, you will look into their eyes and you will bond immediately. There will be RUSHING OF LOVE that is so powerful it was drown you with the overwhelming feelings of MOTHERHOOD and you will be overjoyed at it all.  I’m sure some mothers feel that (probably those ‘natural mothers’ out there) but that wasn’t the case for me. There is SO MUCH pressure on new moms to be EVERYTHING and know EVERYTHING and BOND right away when this isn’t really the case with everyone.

When Ella was born, I loved her. She was mine. I loved her, but I didn’t really know her. She was a baby mystery that had somehow come out of my body. After a traumatic labour, where my arms and body were too sore and bruised and aching to pick up my daughter, let alone cuddle her for hours as a NEW LOVING MOTHER SHOULD, I immediately felt guilt. Shouldn’t a new mother WANT to hold her baby 24 hours a day?? What was wrong with me that I was willing to pass her off to the first available hands (those being Steve’s or my sister or mother’s, or mother in laws, don’t worry I didn’t shove her at a homeless person and run away). The guilt of motherhood started there but it certainly didn’t end there.

Much of those early weeks were filled with self-doubt, tears, dark moments, and an overall “WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO??” feeling. Sure there was love, but there was also a lot of other scary, terrifying feelings that I hid deep down. I didn’t want to talk to anymore, lest they judge me, and tell me I was an AWFUL mother so I put on a brave face and kept on keeping on.

Slowly but surely, all of those things that I was, were gone in the blink of an eye.

You pride yourself on being fit? Ha! Add 20lbs around your middle, pants that don’t even make it over your post partum hips, let alone button up and tell me how good about yourself you feel.

You like fancy dinners and going out with friends? Any time you get when the baby isn’t demanding your attention, your boobs and your sanity, the LAST thing you want to do is dress up and leave the house and go somewhere noisy and crowded and ‘cool’. Maybe you want to shower, but likely you’ll forgo that shower again for sleep.  Your friends that have kids look at you knowingly and scan you for post partum depression. Your friends that don’t wonder who this crabby person has become and where their friend has disappeared to.

You were defined by your career? Good luck there. You haven’t even THOUGHT about your job in weeks unless its to remember HOW EASY you had it then where you could talk to adults daily and pee in peace.

My trendy Toronto living? Our condo was too small for one kid, two parents, and a dog, let alone the bigger family we wanted to create. We sold our house and looked for MONTHS and MONTHS and ended up back in Caledon, when I said I’d live in Toronto forever.  Pushing your baby past homeless and occasionally crack addicted crazies makes you change your perspective on what you want for your family, even if its vastly different then what you want for YOU.

Your relationship with your husband? Your daily conversations which used to revolve around world politics, gossip, how your work day was, and local goings ons is now about “When did the baby last poop?” and “I guess we’re having kraft dinner for supper again?”. You will fight about things that DON’T MATTER and wonder how a relationship that was so STRONG can become so STRAINED in such a short period of time. There is no relationship time. There is no intimate time. I used to throw Ella at Steve the second I got home and go sit out back and cry.

And no, I didn’t have post partum depression. I was an exhausted, new mom who was struggling to figure out WHO I WAS when EVERYTHING I KNEW was stripped away from me in one foul swoop. Who was I, if everything I was, and everything I knew was gone? I think all new mothers go through this grieving process at some point, and to some degree. There is NO GREATER shock then the transition from your life being ALL ABOUT YOU to all of a sudden BEING NOTHING ABOUT YOU AT ALL. 

Who was I if everything I was was stripped away? Did I even like the person underneath it all?

The good news is it doesn’t last forever. Slowly but surely (and usually when the baby starts to sleep) you realize that you aren’t gone at all. You might be hidden (with bags under your eyes, 20 extra pounds, and an addiction to sour keys and chardonnay), but under it all, having a baby can’t change the person YOU are. It’s hard, the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life, but motherhood WILL CHANGE you.

It will make you less selfish. It will make you realize that you can love someone way more than yourself. It will make you cry at diaper commercials, and your heart ache when you hear of someone who has a lost a child because you finally understand that that is a pain that you can never get over. This transition will hurt, hurt so badly, but I guarantee you’ll come out the other side a better person.

When Ella was 8 or so months old, I started to reclaim myself back. I lost the post partum weight and got back into shape (thank you insanity!). I started to see friends more often, and better yet, I opened up more often about the immense difficulty I had had with the transition to motherhood. Crazily enough, I wasn’t alone. And other mother’s were starting to share similar feelings with me, and friends who were not mothers thanked me for being honest. My husband and I started to reconnect as a couple, and also reconnect in new roles, as parents.

And suddenly, one day, I was me again. The person that I was back when I was 28 and carefree, only this time I was older, a bit saggier, a lot wiser and a lot happier in the end. I was myself, and I was a mother.

When I look at Ella now, I'm astonished. I am so lucky to know this wonderful little person and I'm even more blessed to be her mother. I love her so much, I'd jump in front of a train for her or sacrifice anything to ensure she was happy and healthy. She is truly the love of my life. A love I've never known before. When I look back at the road it took to get here, its both scary and terrifying. It was a journey I didn't know I was going to take at the time, and I certainly didn't know just how hard it would be. But like all journeys worth taking, the blood sweat and tears along the way were worth it. Because I can truly say that it was worth it. Ella is worth it. I am worth it.

And like all people who are in this predicament, the predicament of being totally happy with oneself, we decided to go through it all again.

Let’s hope the transition from 1 to 2 is a lot easier then 0 to 1.