10 Things Never to Say to a Very Pregnant Woman

When you are pregnant, for some strange reason, you are on the world stage. Everyone smiles at you, gawks at you, and wonders if your water is going to break RIGHT THEN AND THERE in front of them.  Random strangers give you parenting advice, and somehow feel that with you being pregnant, you are in the ‘club’. The club to which they can share PERSONAL and INTIMATE details of not only their parenting style but of BIRTH, LABOR and AFTERMATH. You know what I don’t want to discuss with random strangers?? How many stitches you got after little Stanley was born. I don’t know you, and I certainly don’t know your vagina. Or want to for that matter.

Regardless, here I am 2 days away from being full term. I feel huge, crabby, and irritable. The perfect time for the whole world to give me these last crucial tips. And here they are. 10 Things NEVER to say to a Pregnant Woman. Be prepared for a bit of a rant, because I’m RANTY these days!

1.    You’re gonna have your hands full in a few weeks! How are you going to take care of TWO BABIES?

This was actually yelled to me from a moving vehicle a week ago. Thank you matrix driving lady! That’s very helpful. I didn’t realize that having two children under two would be challenging! I’d love it if you threw some more parenting advice out your window when I’m trying to wrangle a 80lb boxer, almost 2 year old, and 37 week pregnant me into a Honda Fit.

2.    Was it planned to have them so close together?

Wow! I don’t even know you and you are asking if my second child was the result of a birth control failure?? WOW. He wasn’t, thank you for asking, but regardless, this isn’t really the type of thing I discuss with people on the subway?

3.    You look BIG! How much weight have you gained?

ENOUGH. I’ve gained ENOUGH thank you for asking. When is asking ANYONE about their weight ever acceptable, let alone a pregnant lady who is supposed to gain weight?? We make big babies in my family. My sister does. My mom does. I do. Even my grandmother was making over 8lb babies 60 years ago when the average was 5 or 6! We gain weight! I’m sorry if this offends you.

How does this happen in such a short time??

4.    Have you had any contractions?

This is a personally sensitive one for me because I’ve been contracting regularly since 26 weeks. I’ve been off work for months because of it. So you can pretty much guarantee on any given day I’ve had one if not hundreds of contractions. What makes me contract? Walking, stairs, having to pee, peeing, other bathroom activities,  any transitional movement at all, stress, chasing after a toddler, throwing up (yes I’m still doing that 37 weeks later), rolling in bed and BREATHING and LIVING.

5.    Where did your eyebrows go?

This is another very personal one for me. I am the only pregnant woman I know to be LOSING her EYEBROWS. Where did they go, you ask? I have no bloody idea. I can tell you they are 4 shades lighter then they used to be and they now have BALD SPOTS IN THEM. I actually had to go and buy an eyebrow pencil for the first time so I can colour them in and give them a semblance of consistency. I pray they come back?? Because it’s a long life of putting on your eyebrows before you leave the house and Mama don’t have no time for that!

First pic. The good ole days of full luscious eyebrows. Below, what has transpired in the last 9 months. :(

6.    Your ass looks pregnant!

This one was actually said to me the last time I was pregnant but it was shocking enough that I included it here.. I walked by the nurses station at work and one of the nurses called that out. THANKS! I’m glad to hear it. Perhaps it looks pregnant because its balancing the 35 POUNDS OF BABY hanging off my front?? It needs to bulk up to counter balance that shit.

7.    How are you sleeping? You’re gonna be way more tired when the baby gets here!

How am I sleeping? Horrifically. Turning in bed is an Olympic sport. I’m up going to the bathroom 3x on a good night, 6x on a bad. I get to listen to the rhythmic snores of my lovely husband and dog all night as they enjoy their peaceful slumber as I lay awake and think of all the time I’m wasting THINKING instead of SLEEPING. And because this is my second baby, I understand I’m going to be way more tired when the baby gets here. THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME THOUGH!

8.    Wow, Ella is going to be jealous of a new baby!

Ella is almost 2. I’m aware she will likely be jealous, albeit VERY jealous of a new sibling. Thank you for confirming my fears that Ella will want to set fire to a new baby in the house. Because I’m not worried enough as it is!

 No one asked Ella!

9.    When is the baby coming?

Sigh. I don’t know. I WISH I KNEW but I just don’t know. If you know, please tell me. Because I’m dying to know.

And my favourite….

10. Is that decaf?

Ahhhhahahahahahaha no. No it isn’t. I have a 23 month old, I don’t sleep all night long, and I’m addicted to coffee. So no, no it isn’t. I’d love to hear how having ONE CUP OF COFFEE a day is going to harm my child irrevocably though. So thank you for that. I don’t even have a sip of alchohol when pregnant. No raw fish (and I love sushi) and I follow all the other stupid rules. Let me enjoy my coffee. And hey! The cool thing is when you are 37 weeks pregs, your stomach becomes this awesome coffee table and then you can rest your sweet coffee mug on it.

Enjoy your pregnancies ladies!